Before You (Ashen Mills) by Amber Bynum

Author:Amber Bynum [Bynum, Amber]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2024-01-26T00:00:00+00:00

14

PETER

Sarah’s lips, soft and sweet. Her hands in my hair, tugging and pulling, pleading for more.

I sit up in my bed, sweat pouring from my body. My dreams lately have been full of Sarah. I look at the clock. It’s five o’clock in the morning and I know I won’t be able to go back to sleep, so I get out of bed.

It’s Monday and I have the day off to take Alice to a doctor appointment. I get ready and then make a cup of coffee. Some new couches were delivered a few days ago, and I sit on one and savor the comfort it provides.

“Daddy.” Alice’s sleepy voice calls from the hallway. Her unicorn stuffed animal drags on the ground as she comes to me. She climbs into my lap, and I hold her close.

I can’t stop staring at her—her long red hair and her pale skin with freckles all over her arms and face. Sometimes when I look at her, I catch a glimpse of Morgan.

“I love you, Daddy,” Alice says, sleepiness still in her voice as I rub her head.

I’m sure her teenage years will be full of emotions and hormones, but for now she’s my sweet little girl and I want to capture these moments in my head—just me and her. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because this all feels like a dream. That I get to be her dad. The way she looks up to me means a lot. I know I will always try to do everything I can to be the best dad for her and provide her with the best life.

I wonder if giving her the best life includes giving her a new mom. A woman to help with the things that a man possibly cannot. A woman like Sarah.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t question whether kissing her last Saturday night was a bad move on my part. I know how I feel about Sarah and the feelings that have been growing inside me. But I’m only assuming she feels the same way.

But she did kiss me back. And it did seem like she wanted more.

Saturday night I confessed that I couldn’t stop thinking about her. That I wanted to get to know her and hold her. Then I told her I can’t. I don’t know why I said that last part out loud. It was more of a subconscious thought, about feeling protective over Alice’s friendship and my job. I’m worried that a relationship could get in the way of those things. The last time I gave my heart away to a woman, my world was shattered into a million little pieces. My life burned around me, literally.

But I’ll never know if she feels the same way if I don’t try. Besides, it’s been six years since Morgan died. I know I can’t quite decide to have a woman in my life for Alice or not, but truthfully there are needs that have built up inside me as well.

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